[Room noise]
[Chair moves]
[Acoustic guitar clips the microphone]
[Voz muy baja]
I lied.
When I said
I forgave you.
[Silence]
I just got tired
of talking about it.
[Metal bedframe hit]
KLANG.
I said:
“It’s okay.”
It wasn’t.
I said:
“I understand.”
I didn’t.
I said:
“I don’t think about it anymore.”
[Small breath]
That one
was almost funny.
Because I think about it
when I brush my teeth.
When I’m driving.
When somebody says
your name
and they don’t mean you.
When I’m having
a good fucking day
and my brain decides:
“No.
Remember this?”
[808]
BRRRM.
There.
That.
I hate that.
[Verse]
You apologized.
I know.
You cried.
I know.
You said
you hated yourself
for what happened.
And some sick part
of me liked hearing that.
[Silence]
Yeah.
Leave that in.
I liked knowing
you hurt too.
Not because
I wanted you dead.
Not because
I wanted your life ruined.
I just...
didn’t want
to be the only one
walking around
carrying it.
That’s ugly.
Fine.
I’m ugly sometimes.
So were you.
That’s why
this doesn’t fit
inside a nice sentence.
[Metal hit]
KLANG.
You ask me:
“Why didn’t you leave?”
I don’t know.
No—
fuck that.
I do know.
Because leaving
would mean admitting
that everything
I defended
was actually hurting me.
And I had defended you
to everybody.
My friends.
My mother.
Myself.
Especially myself.
So if I left...
then what?
I become the idiot
who knew
and stayed.
[Breathing]
And I couldn’t stand
that version of me.
So I stayed longer.
Which made me
more of him.
[808]
BRRRM.
Fuck.
[No drums]
There were nights
you were good to me.
That’s the worst part.
If you were cruel
every second,
I could hate you cleanly.
But you made me food.
You rubbed my back
when I couldn’t sleep.
You remembered
stupid things I said
months ago.
You made me laugh
when I was trying
not to.
And then—
[Voice stops]
...
then you did
what you did.
[Long silence]
And my brain
still puts those things
in the same fucking folder.
Love.
Damage.
Love.
Damage.
Love—
[Voice cracks]
STOP CALLING IT LOVE!
[Distorted guitar slams in]
I HATE THAT WORD!
I HATE HOW EASY
IT MAKES EVERYTHING SOUND!
“WE LOVED EACH OTHER.”
SO WHAT?!
PEOPLE CAN LOVE YOU
AND STILL MAKE YOU
HATE YOURSELF!
PEOPLE CAN HOLD YOU
AND STILL BE THE REASON
YOU CAN’T FUCKING SLEEP!
PEOPLE CAN SAY:
“I’M SORRY!”
AND YOU CAN BELIEVE THEM—
[Drums choke]
AND STILL
NOT FEEL SAFE!
[Silence]
[Heavy breathing]
That’s the part
nobody likes.
Sorry
doesn’t rewind
your body.
[Low voice]
Sometimes
nothing is happening
and I’m already angry.
Sometimes
somebody gets too quiet
and I think
I’m about to be punished.
Sometimes
I read a message twice
because the first time
I’m not reading words.
I’m looking
for danger.
[Small pause]
And you’re not even here.
That’s fucking embarrassing.
[Metal bedframe]
KLANG.
I told you
I forgave you
because I wanted
the story to end.
You said:
“Thank you.”
And I remember thinking:
Don’t thank me.
I haven’t done anything.
I just stopped
making noise.
[Voice lowers]
There’s a difference.
[Final build, no drums]
I don’t want revenge.
I don’t want you miserable.
I don’t even want
an apology anymore.
I want—
[Long silence]
I want my reactions back.
I want somebody
to touch my shoulder
and not feel my whole body
prepare for something.
I want a quiet room
to just be
a quiet room.
I want to hear:
“We need to talk”
and not feel
my stomach drop.
I want...
[Voice starts shaking]
I want to stop
having arguments with you
when you’re not
in the fucking room.
[Distortion rises]
I WANT YOU
OUT OF MY HEAD!
[Full scream]
NOT BACK!
NOT DEAD!
NOT SORRY!
OUT!
JUST—
GET—
OUT!
[Massive distorted hit]
[Everything cuts]
[Silence]
[Voice, exhausted]
...
I lied
when I said
I forgave you.
[Breath]
Maybe one day
I won’t have to lie.
[Acoustic guitar string buzzes]
[End]
